Mutiny in the Infirmary
by Wolf Maid
Summary: Sheppard wants out of the infirmary, but how he got in there in the first place could cause trouble of a loss-of-inhibitions-"Virus?" kind. Mostly humor, with large doses of insanity. Shweir, FordTeyla, McKaySora
1. Failed Escape

John Sheppard opened first one eye and then, slowly, the other, breathing a sigh of relief as he looked around the apparently empty medical room. Slowly, ever so slowly he did his best to slide out of bed noiselessly, yelping slightly when his bare feet came into contact with the icy floor. He reached down under the bed, grabbing his shoes and socks.

"Major?" Dr. Beckett asked, behind him. Sheppard jumped up, smashed his head on the metal bar on the underside of the bed, and, clutching it, rolled out from underneath.

"Damnit," he moaned, pushing his hand hard onto the head as if to push out the pain. He looked up at Beckett and scowled—the doctor appeared to be holding back a smirk.

"Are you all right, Major?" Beckett asked. Sheppard glared up at him—it was definitely a smirk.

"I'm fine, Doctor," Sheppard replied through gritted teeth. Beckett frowned down at him.

"You don't look it. What were you doing out of bed? You know I said you have to stay there for another week."

"A week?? I thought...didn't you say a couple more days yesterday?" Sheppard asked, eyes widening. "A whole week?"

"So you did remember that you were supposed to stay in bed?" Sheppard blinked and avoided Beckett's frowning face. "And you still tried to leave?" Sheppard put his hand over his eyes, wincing and waiting for the inevitable. "For the third time _today_?"

Sheppard uncovered his eyes long enough to give Beckett an innocent smile and say, "Three times? Has it been that many?" Beckett was not amused.

"You are, without a doubt, the worst patient I've ever had. You're even worse than Dr. McKay!" Sheppard looked up at him in outrage

"I am not!"

"Yes you are!" Beckett frowned.

"I am not!" Sheppard yelled, pulling himself to his feet.

"Yes you are!" Beckett scowled. Sheppard waved a hand at him, took a very shaky step forward, and collapsed to the ground.

"Major!" Beckett knelt by his side, checking his pulse. "Major?"

"Am not..." Sheppard groaned, and was silent.

"Dr. Beckett? Weir asked, coming into the room.

"Over here," he replied, not pausing to look up. Weir crossed over and came next to his side.

"What happened?" she asked, frowning in worry.

"Get Laura," he told her, ignoring her question. "And Tom as well." She obeyed without question and returned moments later. "Thomas, help me get him back on the bed, and Laura, set up the IV."

"Don' want IV," Sheppard mumbled, eyes still closed.

"John?" Weir asked, still worried.

"Ungh..." he replied, not really there.

"Tom, help me move him." Beckett grabbed Sheppard's upper body and Thomas his legs, and together they lifted him onto the bed.

"Don' wan' bed...." Sheppard frowned. Beckett rolled his eyes in mock consternation.

"Open your mouth, Major," he ordered, holding a thermometer.

"I don—," Beckett slipped it into his mouth.

"What's wrong? I thought he was going to be fine," Weir asked Beckett.

"Well, he was trying to sneak out of the room," scowl, "and when I confronted him we were—ah—arguing and he collapsed. I'm guessing a relapse. The thermometer beeped and Beckett glanced down at it. "Damnit! His fever has come back again—103 degrees (F). "He turned from Weir. "Laura, get me some ice cold wet washcloth, we've got to try to get this down. Thomas, get his shirt off."

"Can I do anything to—,"

"Dr. Weir, I don't mean to be rude but the best thing you could do right now would be to leave." Weir nodded in understanding. Beckett watched her walk away and then turned back to his patient.

"Worse than McKay," Beckett shook his head, looking at Sheppard.

"'m not," Sheppard whispered groggily. Beckett sighed.

....

...

TBC


	2. Under Guard

"Doctor?" Weir asked from the other room. "How's the patient?"

"Under guard."

"What?!?" Weir's voice sounded definitely startled. Sheppard scowled from his position on the bed.

"He...ah...didn't want to stay in bed."

"Didn't want..."

"To stay in bed. He's one of the worst—no—_the_ worst—,"

"I can hear you, you know!" Sheppard called to the other room. Beckett rolled his eyes. "And who wants to stay in bed for a week? I'm FINE!" The door opened abruptly.

"Someone who is 'fine,'" Beckett began, checking Sheppard's vitals, "Does _not_ look the way you do, does not collapse randomly, and does not lie about whether or not he has a broken rib!" Beckett glared at him severely. "I didn't x-ray you because I _thought_ I could trust you about whether or not you are hurt. Obviously I can't."

"So you put me under guard??"

"I have lost count of the number of times you've tried to leave in the last two days! I have much more important things to do than baby-sit you, you know."

"So do I!"

"Not right now you don't," Weir frowned.

"I need—,"

"To stay in bed!" Beckett broke in.

"Aie! You are impossible!" Sheppard threw up his hands and then winced as that pulled his rib.

"No," Beckett replied, "You are. Now stay there. And Lieutenant? You have my permission to do whatever is necessary to keep him in that bed!"

"Yes sir!" Beckett and Weir left the room and Sheppard lay there quietly for several moments, twiddling his thumbs.

"So..." he said at last. "It's Barker right? Joseph Barker?" The Lieutenant nodded. "You know they were just joking, right?" Barker shook his head. "Well, they were." Barker shook his head again. "Oh come on! You aren't really going to keep me like this, are you?" Barker nodded. "Do you even speak?" Barker nodded. "When?" Barker shrugged. "Speak boy! Come on, speak!" Sheppard smiled. Barker glared at him, ice in his eyes and Sheppard put his hands up it the universal 'I surrender' gesture. "Just joking! Joking!" Barker kept glaring and Sheppard fell silent. For a moment. "This sucks," he grumbled.

Barker nodded.


	3. Shields, Wraith, and Boxers

…**Shields, Wraith, and Boxers…**

…X…

Sheppard sighed and wondered for approximately the one-millionth time why no one could seem to understand that he was FINE! Barker sighed as well and Sheppard scowled at him—how could the man not understand that the right thing to do in this situation would be to let his command officer escape? He wished Ford was here.

Actually, scratch that. Ford would have brought Teyla, and the two would have sat staring at each other the whole time. And Teyla would never have allowed Sheppard to go. And even if Ford hadn't brought Teyla...well, Ford had a bit of a sadistic side. He'd probably have warned Beckett to tie him up as well and then sat there smirking at him. Humph. Some friend.

And even if Elizabeth had had time to watch him she wouldn't have let him escape. Well, she might've before she'd heard Beckett mention that he hadn't mentioned he'd had a broken rib. She was going to kill him for that, although he'd thought it'd just been bruised!

Actually, the best person to watch him would be Rodney. He'd probably be the only one he could intimidate. Well, actually no. To be honest, now McKay would probably hit him over the head with the nearest thing. Instead of stopping him from freezing Sheppard had somehow managed to turn McKay into a scary self-defense guy. Scare him at your own risk.

Out of nowhere the alarm went off, putting a decisive stop to Sheppard's daydreams. Thank goodness they'd found that half-charged ZPM—the fact that Sora had changed sides during that massive storm was definitely turning out well, also, as she knew people Teyla didn't.

The echoing booms of weapons firing put an end to Sheppard's calmness and his reflexes took over—feeling rather than seeing the roof of the room begin to come down. He jumped off the bed and dove into Barker, shoving him down and then rolling them both under the table, which protected them from the falling debris. As soon as it passed Sheppard rolled back out, started to run, and then stopped when he realized he was only in his boxers. He heard the sound of the weapons firing again, swore softly, and then ran out of the room, trying to ignore the screaming in his chest. For some reason the shields weren't working and he needed to know why.

As soon as he got down to the room with the ZPM and shield operator in it, he knew something was wrong. He opened the door up and thick black smoke billowed out, making him cough. He tried to look through it but he couldn't see anything.

"Dr. McKay? Rodney? Are you in there?" No one answered. Sheppard looked around for something to cover his mouth with, but he had no clothes he could take off. Luckily, someone was running by so Sheppard literally jumped them and ripped two long strips of his shirt off while he stared in surprise. "Thanks!" Sheppard yelled, and held one up to his mouth and loosely tied the other around his wrist. Then he ran into the burning room.

As soon as he got in a wave of heat hit him and he dropped to his hands and knees, knowing that the closest he was to the ground the less smoke there was. He crawled forward, peering through the black smoke by the light of the flickering red of the small fires scattered about. Ahead he saw a dark shape in a pile on the ground, and knew instinctively it was McKay. He crawled forward faster, wincing as smoking embers connected with his bare flesh.

As soon as he reached McKay he grabbed him and pulled him over his shoulder, wicing at the stress put on his broken rib. He had to stand up, and the smoke was instantly thicker. He couldn't breathe, but he took the cloth from his mouth and held it in front of Mckay's and ran forward, black clouds of smoke burning his eyes.

He burst out of the room, fell sideways, and collapsed on the ground. Then he was kneeling beside McKay and checking to see if he was breathing. He wasn't, so Sheppard leaned down and began giving his mouth-to-mouth. After a moment or so, Mckay opened his eyes wide and tried to shove Sheppard away. Then he proceeded to cough severely for several moments.

"What the hell are you doing?" he croaked out, and then began to cough again. Sheppard looked at him worriedly.

"It's all right—you passed out from the smoke. Listen to me—was there anyone else in there? Think Rodney."

"I—I—Elizabeth came in; I don't remember if she left or—," Sheppard was already back at the door, cloth strips in hand.

"Elizabeth? Elizabeth, are you in there?" There was no response, and Sheppard swore softly and ran back into the smoke, cloth to mouth. This time he didn't drop to the ground, knowing there was no time. He ran blindly, yelling "Elizabeth" over and over again. He was coughing badly now, and each cough shook his broken rib, but he wasn't about to give up when Elizabeth could still be in there somewhere.

He was stumbling now, and couldn't seem to think straight. 'I need air' he thought reflectively as he fell forwards, a hand catching one of the consoles. At his touch it glowed red and began to hum, and from the ceiling and sidewalls blue gas came out. Whenever it connected with the smoke both disappeared. It seemed to work on the fire as well, as in a matter of moments the room was empty but for burnt patches and the lingering smell of smoke.

"Elizabeth?" Sheppard asked, voice faint, looking around with both fear and hope in his eyes. "Liz?"

"John! Oh my God, are you okay?" Suddenly she was by his side. "Rodney said you'd come back in here looking for me! Oh God, John, are you okay?

"'m fine," he whispered shakily. "Couldn't lose you, now could we?" Sheppard flashed her a half-cocky smile before lapsing into another fit of coughing, holding his chest vainly. Beckett entered the room as well. "What happened to the ZPM?" Sheppard asked softly, realizing the weapons were no longer firing.

"The shields weren't working right, so Rodney and I came down to fix it. He had me go back up, though, to change the percentage of energy—he stayed down here to finish up. I lost contact with him, but the shields began working. I came down here as soon as I could."

"The city?" Sheppard asked.

"Not too bad, we've got some fires we need to control, and we'll be doing repairs for a while, but it could have been a lot worse."

"There's some sort of fire-defense mechanism...I pushed on that console--," Sheppard words dissolved into more coughing.

"I'll have Zelenka take a look at it."

"Casualties?" Sheppard managed to ask between the coughs that were shaking his body. Beckett knelt down next to him and began to press around his chest, checking on the rib.

"None have been reported...we have one in critical condition, he'll have to be moved to a separate room..." Beckett replied. He cocked an eyebrow at Sheppard. "Major, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine," Sheppard told him, trying futilely to suppress the coughs. Weir glared at him. "Well, I am." Beckett glared at him. "Except...well..." Sheppard knew he wouldn't be able to hide it, and plus it was hurting like hell and it was all he could do to stay conscious. He turned his back to them.

"Bloody hell!" Beckett gasped. Sheppard had a large burn mark on his back where something had evidently struck him. "And he says he's fine!" Beckett added in disbelief. Weir looked at John, not even bothering to try to hide the concern in her eyes.

"We'd better get you back up to bed." Even as concerned about him as she was, she couldn't help but notice what a _fine_ body Major Sheppard had. Speaking of which... "Why are you running around in your boxers, Major?"

"Now _that_ is a _long_ story. Where's Barker?"

"I think he'll be waiting for you," Beckett grinned.

"Damnit."

"And waiting for McKay as well."

"Double damnit."

"Don't worry," Beckett couldn't help but have pleasure in saying. "You'll only be there for about two weeks."

Words failed Major John Sheppard; he merely looked at Dr. Beckett in mute horror. _TWO WEEKS?_ He rather wished the wraiths _had_ come.

Beckett smirked.


	4. Still Stuck

…**Still Stuck…**

…X…

"_John! Are you all right? Oh my God, are you all right?" McKay practically flung himself down the stairs after his commanding officer and maybe-sorta-kinda his friend. "Major?" Sheppard's eyes flickered open._

"_Ow," he whispered, one hand moving to hold his head, the other to protect his chest._

"_Medicl team, medical team to the lab," McKay yelled into his radio. "John, stay with me okay?"_

"_Remind me not to touch things unless you tell me to," Sheppard groaned, closing his eyes momentarily before moving to sit up, breathing out harshly through clenched teeth at the sweep of pain._

"_How about I just don't leave things for you to trip over so that you end up grabbing ancient devices that shouldn't be touched?"_

_How about if I don't play practical jokes on you so I'm not running out of the room and trip period, never mind the grabbing of ancient devices."_

"_An' meybe ye should be quiet so I kin see how badly hurt y'are," Dr. Beckett drawled, having heard the tail-end of the conversation. He knelt down beside the pair. "Now, nice an' simple please."_

"_I fell down the stairs—"_

"_Because he got hit by a blast—"_

"_Because I grabbed an ancient device—"_

"_Because I was running away—"_

"_Because I was chasing him—"_

"_Because I'd played a practical joke on him—"_

"_Because I don't—"_

"_I don't care whose bloody fault it is, tho' it sounds like you're both idiots enough. I just want t'know what happened! Now, let's see if this is right, then. You were both actin' like children, Major Sheppard tripped, tried to grab…?"_

"_The table," Sheppard supplied._

"_Tried to grab the table, accidently grabbed an ancient device, and set it off with his gene causing him to be blasted into the hallway and down the stairs?" McKay and Sheppard looked at each other and shrugged._

"_Sounds right," McKay nodded._

"_I've said it once and I'll most likely say it again: you are both __damn__ lucky to be alive. How're you, Major?"_

"_I'm fine," Sheppard replied shortly._

"_I'm sure y'are, but I'll have you stay in the infirmary just the same until we can decide just what that blast was."_

"_But—"_

"_No buts, Major."_

"_No tests, then? Let Rodney figure out what blasted me and—"_

"_It is just a precaution, Major. Just to make sure nothing develops. We'll just do some blood samples and take a look at that head of yours."_

"_But I'm __fine!__"_

"_I'm __the doctor, an' what I say goes. Now, off with ye!" Beckett nodded to his team, and they moved to help._

"_I can walk!" Sheppard protested as they brought the gurney over._

"_I'm sure you kin," Beckett replied, and Sheppard smiled until Beckett added, "But y'are not going to. Now hop to it, lad." Grumbling something that suspiciously sounded like "I'm not a __lad,__" Sheppard accepted the help of the medical staff up onto the bed._

"_I am __so__ getting you back for this," he scowled._

"_I'll be looking forward to it, since it'll mean you're fine and released from the infirmary." Beckett turned to McKay. "I'll need you to give Elizabeth a report, and then find out what happened." McKay nodded._

"_And please, for the love of God, hurry," Sheppard added._

"_Will do," McKay replied._

"_Now off to the infirmary, John. _John, _are you awake?_ John? Damnit, _he's unconscious…quick, get him to the infirmary…"_

"Beckett…"

"John? _John are you awake?_ John? Damnit, he's still unconscious—"

"What?" Sheppard groaned, confused, his eyes flickering open. "What happened?"

"Nothing, Major, it was just a dream," Beckett replied soothingly.

"Dreamed of how I got in the infirmary last time," Sheppard groaned, putting a hand to his head. "Ow. Where am I, anyway?"

"Ah…you're in the infirmary," Beckett answered, edging out of Sheppard's reach.

"What?" Sheppard yelled, struggling to sit up.

"Remember? Wraith attacked, fire in the lab, rescued McKay, tried to rescue Elizabeth, got burned—"

"And fainted?" McKay smirked.

"Oh for crying—McKay, why don't you come back _later_, huh?" Sheppard asked.

"No can do, Major," Beckett interrupted, edging further back. "He's in here as well."

"But at least I didn't _faint_," McKay smirked.

"Actually," Beckett glared at McKay, "Unlike _some_ people, Sheppard had quite a good reason. He _passed out_ from the pain."

"Fainted, fainted, fainted," McKay replied in a sing-song voice. Sheppard let himself fall back to the pillows.

"No way…"

"Sheppard fainted, Sheppard fainted, yes he did, yes he—" Sheppard's pillow connected with McKay's head, but did nothing to stop his litany. "—did, now he's throwing pillows, now he's—"

"I'm fine, why—" Sheppard's voice died on his lips at Beckett's scowl. It was going to be a _long_ two weeks.

"I'll leave you two to it, then," Beckett smirked, edging further away from Sheppard before hurrying out of the door, but not quickly enough to stop two well-aimed pillows connect. The natives were unhappy.

The door shut, and the two looked at each other. And they both groaned.


	5. Sanctuary

AN: This chapter is written completely oddly, with everyone acting crazier than they're supposed to, and people getting together sooner than they rightfully should. I understand this, and it will be explained after several more chapter. So don't think of it as OOC, but just go with it, please! Thanks!

… **Sanctuary…**

…X…

"And you just rush in! I could still have been working on the shields!" McKay had been talking for the past three hours.

"You were laying their _unconscious_!" Sheppard was getting annoyed.

"And then I wake up and you're kissing me—"

"I was giving you mouth-to-mouth! You weren't breathing!" _Or talking_, Sheppard thought regretfully.

"Will you both be quiet? Between the two of you I haven't gotten anything done!" Beckett scowled.

"Then let me go! I'm fine!" Sheppard scowled back.

"Oh, right, who cares if I'm _dying_ over here," McKay said at the same time.

"I swear, you—" Beckett began. Sheppard's eyes widened.

"Don't say it!" he ye yelled.

"—are the worst—" Beckett continued.

"Don't!" Sheppard yelled, in the voice of someone who's about to lose it.

"—patients I've ever had!"

"Argh!" Sheppard yelled. "That's it! I've had it!" And with that he jumped off the bed and ran for it, dodging an astonished Beckett and making a beeline for the door.

"Stop him, Barker!" Beckett yelled.

"Run, Sheppard, run!" McKay shouted. Barker stepped into the doorway and lifted his gun at the oncoming Sheppard.

"Do you feel lucky?" Barker growled. Sheppard let himself fall backwards as his forward momentum carried him, causing him to slide and knocking into Barker's legs. He leapt up and paused momentarily in the doorway.

"I'll be back!" he declared, and turned and ran. Behind him came the sounds of pursuit, but he ran as fast as his broken rib would allow. He jumped into one of the elevators and pushed a random button on the map before darting out once more.

Leaving her room, Dr. Weir stepped out directly in front of him, causing him to veer left, trip, and fall flat on his stomach.

"Major! John, all you all right? Aren't you still supposed to be lying down?" Sheppard groaned and rolled over.

"I request sanctuary," he moaned, breathing heavily.

"What?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"McKay will kill me with his constant chatter and Beckett won't let me until I'm an old man. They're after me! Hide me!" Weir almost laughed.

"This is like a bad movie!" she smiled.

"I know!" John smiled back. "But it's been two days and I'm ready to kill either myself or McKay or Beckett—who's going to keep us in their for two weeks. _Two Weeks!_ I'm not any use to you dead!" he added. She raised an eyebrow, mentally debating whether to do what she should do or what she wanted to do. She heard the sounds of footsteps and sighed.

"Get in there," she smiled, gesturing to her door, and he did what she did. Through the wall he heard an out-of-breath Beckett ask her if she'd seen Sheppard.

"Yes, he almost ran me down. He went to the right," she replied. Sheppard smiled.

"He ran away! Again!" Beckett sighed, and continued on. Seconds later Dr. Weir re-entered the room, cocking an eyebrow at Sheppard.

"Why do you always run away when you're in your boxers?" she asked, annoyed that for some strange reason her mind kept thinking things like _'Wow, he is sooo hot!'_ Sheppard glanced down at himself.

"Oh. Ah. Yes. Well, you see, Beckett always makes me take off my shirts and pants because I usually have a fever. Or broken ribs. Or burns. Anyway—" he tried to change the subject.

"Lay down." Sheppard started speaking but she cut him off. "Either you lay down here or you lay down with Carson grumbling and Rodney talking. Now go lay down," she repeated, gesturing to her neatly made bed. He opened his mouth to speak again, then paused and meekly sat down on the bed. Weir raised an eyebrow in surprise at his obedience.

Sheppard glanced at Weir and suddenly smirked. Then he patted the bed next to him and raised an eyebrow suggestively.

"Lay down, _Major,_" she repeated, but she couldn't help a little smile creep onto her face. She quickly turned away, but couldn't help her mind—if not her gaze—dwell on Sheppard's extremely fit body. What was she thinking? _Concentrate—concentrate—concentrate—_

"So…" Sheppard sighed from his position on her bed. "If I'm here, where are you sleeping?"

_To hell with concentrating!_

"How are you feeling, Major?"

"Oh, please, stop with the Major! We're off-duty, especially me," he added ruefully. "The name is John."

"Very well," she continued, trying for haughty. "How are you, John?"

"I'm fine." She waited a heartbeat.

"Elizabeth," she told him, and was rewarded with one of his delighted grins. _'He looks like a little boy'_ she mused.

"I'm fine, Elizabeth." He didn't _sound_ like a little boy when he said her name, though.

"I—I—I should get back to work," she told him, flustered and desperately needing a breather away from his overwhelming…maleness.

"And leave me here all alone?" he pouted, sitting up.

"John…" she started, her voice becoming serious. "Why did you go back in?" She didn't need to say more, he knew she was talking about the fire.

"Because I couldn't _not_ go back," he told her softly.

"Why?" she asked again, desperate to know the answer.

"Elizabeth, do you really need to ask?" He stood up and walked over to her, enveloping her in his arms. She rested her head against his shoulder and though about how _right_ it felt. She smiled a little, and then frowned as she remembered his broken rib and burned back.

"Just how much medication does Beckett have you on, anyway?" she asked. Sheppard smiled.

"If you're wondering if I'm going to have morphine withdrawals, don't. He had me on Tylenol."

"Tylenol?" she asked, surprised.

"He wanted to give me something stronger, but we just don't have the supplies to give every sore person something that strong."

"Every sore—" she started, annoyed at Sheppard. "Stop acting the hero, John!"

"I'm fine, Elizabeth. Liz." He smiled.

"Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?"

"Well…there is _something_," he teased. She rolled her eyes.

"Lay down, John."

"But—" he began. She raised an eyebrow.

"Do you want me to get Beckett?" she threatened. He returned to the bed and lay down. "Now close your eyes." He did it automatically, and Elizabeth marveled that he trusted her, when she knew he trusted so few people. She leaned down and kissed him gently, and he responded as such, letting her have control. "Now go to sleep, John," she whispered, sitting back up. "Sleep and get well."


	6. The Note

AN: This chapter and next will be McKay centric, and gradually more people are being added. lol…This is such a fun story to write…

…**The Note…**

…X…

"Elizabeth…"

"No."

"Liz…"

"No."

"Please…" (Puppy dog eyes)

(Sigh. Pause.)

"Maybe."

McKay sighed. He was never, ever going to be let out of here. For crying out loud—he was fine! Well, no, he wasn't fine, he was hurt and bruised and BORED OUT OF HIS MIND! He needed something to do, to decipher. He was a genius; he shouldn't be left in a bed to rot!

If Sheppard had been planning on jumping ship, couldn't he have taken him with? Not that it had seemed like he'd planned on it, actually. The only reason it had probably worked was the element of surprise. But he wasn't the spontaneous—guns-drawn—I'm-a-hero—cowboy type like Sheppard was. He was the smart guy, the safe guy, the guy who saved everyone at the last second with his _ideas._

Beckett walked in and McKay breathed deeply. _'Be charming,'_ he thought. _'Oh geez, I'm screwed!'_

"So…" McKay began. "Don't you think it's about time I got back to work?" McKay asked hopefully, glancing at Beckett and trying to keep his voice casual.

"No," Beckett replied shortly.

"No! Why not?" McKay asked, annoyed.

"Believe me, Dr. McKay, if you _were_ ready to leave I'd be _glad_ to send you on your way." Beckett smiled despite his annoyance.

"I _am_ ready!"

"As I am the _medical_ doctor, I think _I'll_ be the judge o' that."

"I'm bored!" McKay burst out.

"Well, then, I suppose it's a good thing that you're gettin' some company!" Beckett replied brightly.

"Company?" McKay asked, getting a fleeting image of a vainly struggling Sheppard being dragged back into the room in chains and surrounded by guards. He shook his head to clear the thought from his mind and looked at Beckett in puzzlement. "Who?"

Beckett gestured at the door, and McKay looked on in surprise as two nurses rolled in a muttering Lieutenant.

"Ford?" he asked, surprised.

"I am _fine!_" Ford sighed in a voice that gave the impression on having said just that far too many times.

"You are _not_ fine! You can't walk!" Beckett scowled.

"So?"

"So! By God, I should have stayed on Earth!"

"Maybe you should have," Ford grumbled under his breath. "Oh, hey McKay! Where's the Major?"

"He…ah…escaped," McKay told him, holding back a smile and sneaking a look at Beckett.

"Stop making this sound like a prison! He ran away!" Beckett growled, annoyed at all three of them. Ford hid his grin with his hand.

"Dr. Beckett?" Weir asked from the other room. "Where are you?"

"I'm in here!" Beckett called, determined not to let either of them leave his sight. Weir walked in.

"Have you found Sheppard yet?" she asked, her voice carefully neutral.

"No," was Beckett's enlightening response.

"I see." She walked over to McKay and leaned over his bed, looking straight into his eyes. "I'd better not hear anything about _you_ trying to escape, Rodney," she told him, and then winked, dropping a piece of paper into his hand. He looked down at his hand and then back up at her face in shock, and she winked again and placed her finger against her lips.

"So, Dr. Beckett, I hear that Ford has been hurt as well…" she began, placing her arm on his and slowly drawing him away from McKay.

"Yes, and you won't believe how it happened…"

McKay looked down at the note in his hand and then back up at the two talking next to Ford's bedside. Quickly he opened it, and raised an eyebrow at what it contained. Now, _this_ was unexpected. Trust the Major. And McKay grinned. Trust the Major indeed.

_If you want to break out, I'm willing to help. Hell, it'll be fun. But you have to promise not to let Beckett know Weir is in on this. As far as he's concerned this is just between you and me._

_If you want to get out, tell Elizabeth—_**You could have come and visited me sooner, you know.**_ She'll confirm this message by saying _**Well then, you should have asked.** _A couple minutes later she'll leave and give me the thumbs up. After that, things will happen fast. Here's what I need you to do __before__ you signal Weir._

**1--**_Unhook the safety catch on the wheels of your bed._

**2--**_Grab anything you have and put it on your bed._

**3**--_Act normal. (for you.) DON'T let Beckett know what's going on. This is the most important thing and—no offense Rodney (well, maybe some)—probably the hardest for you. Remember, I'm risking a week and a half of my life for you._

_--I said I'd be back—_

_the Major AKA John._


	7. Rescue in Progress

AN: AN: Okay…couple things. This is short chapter, yes. Next chapter is longer, it will most likely get odder, all will eventually be explained. : ) Read and review! And I hope you like it!

…**Rescue in Progress…**

…X…

McKay drummed his fingers on the bed nervously, debating what to do. Should he? Dare he? He wasn't the "gun-ho" kind of guy, so maybe he—wait. He didn't _need_ to be the gung-ho guy; Sheppard was that. And he was coming back for him. McKay permitted himself a small smile…maybe there was something to this 'team unity' thing after all. He could do this. Really, he could. So why wasn't he? Weir shot him a glance and McKay decided then and there he was going to do it. Soon.

"So when will McKay be able to get back to work?" Weir asked Beckett loudly.

"Not long. Only about a week or two," Beckett answered. McKay slipped off the bed. He _was_ doing this _now_. He slipped the break off the bed, and Beckett frowned over at him as McKay stood back up.

"Dropped my pen," he improvised, holding his bag in his hands. "I think it fell in here." He sat back up on the bed, moving carefully so as not to set it moving. Weir tried not to look over at him…waiting…waiting. She didn't know how much longer she could keep up this pretence. Behind her McKay coughed.

"Rodney?" she asked, turning towards him. He took a deep breath.

"_You could have come and visited me sooner, you know,"_ he told her carefully, throwing in a slight scowl. She lifted an eyebrow in surprise—deep down she hadn't thought he'd do it. Evidently John—the _Major_ that is—was a good judge of character.

"_Well then,"_ she replied, _"You should have asked."_ He sighed and rolled his eyes, trying not to betray anything. Weir turned back to Beckett, who was quietly arguing with Ford. "I'd better go—thanks." He looked up at her and smiled warmly.

"Goodbye Dr. Weir." She felt bad about deceiving him, and then remembered John's—_Sheppard's_ pleading face and sighed. How on Earth—or Atlantis for that matter—had he managed to talk her into this? McKay was looking decidedly nervous, and she decided she'd better get John—the _Major_—before he said something he shouldn't.

She left quickly, catching the eye of a man leaning against the corridor wall farther down. He was dressed in green fatigues with his hat pulled down far and dark sunglasses on, and she rolled her eyes at his and then gave him the thumbs up, wondering at the audacity of the man who leaned casually against a wall while being hunted.

Sheppard—for that was of course who it was—broke into a delighted grin and then, hiding it quickly, snapped to attention and gave a sharp salute. She smiled at him again as she kept walking, still not breaking stride, as she struggled not to laugh as the played the by-the-book army man to the tee.

"Lieutenant," she said, inclining her head and watching as he slipped the sunglasses down and narrowed his eyes at her.

"Ma'm," he replied, smirking slightly, knowing that she hated being called that, and insisted people addressed her as "Doctor." She rolled her eyes and kept walking, slipping into the nearby room where she was supposed to wait. Peering out she saw John…fine, she scolded her mind, _John_, put his glasses back up and adjust his hat. Then he marched into the infirmary, protecting, she noticed, both his chest and back. Why the devil had she let him do this?

Well, it was too late to change this now—everything was set up and people were counting on this.

Major John Sheppard disappeared into the infirmary.


	8. Total Chaos

**REVIEWER RESPONSES:**

Secbeth: I'm glad you find it funny! And the fact that you can visualize this just makes me happier!. : )

Jules47: LOL…glad you're enjoying it, yes they are, and I'm glad I've got your curiosity piqued.

Jet388: I will! Don't worry, this story is super fun to write, so I won't stop. : )

Marla: Glad to hear it! Ever one seemed to enjoy Sheppard's note. : )

Dr. Dredd: Exactly! So Sheppard-y! Yes, he will definitely get his revenge!

Fififolle: Thank you! They're actually hard to work, so high praise indeed!. : )

Rogue1503: Glad it's interested you, and of course, your wish is my command!. : )

InsaneBovine: Happy to hear it! And yes, Beckett will get his…beware the angry scot indeed! Hmmm… "Beware the Angry Scot" has a nice ring to it…if I give you credit can I use that as the chapter title for his "revenge" chapter?

Out Of Phase: I'm so glad you found it and like it!

Spice9: Thank you! I hope you continue to do so!

Rachel: Thank you! Good cliffie, then? I usually don't do them well, so thank you very very much!

Katie: Thanks! I'm glad you think it's funny, and like it—that's what makes this all worthwhile!. : )

Belisse: **_/Grins/_** It's fun to write too…and John and Rodney may have some problems before that… : )

Taintor: Glad you like it! All answers…well, actually very few answers, but hopefully the one to your question are contained in this chapter, so read on! **_/grins/_**

Eve: Thank you so much! It gets odder, so be forewarned.

Jaws: I've got you interested then! Mwahahahaha! **_/grins/_** ignore me…just a bit hyper **_/winks/_**

Ryn: Thank you! Glad the cliffie worked, and that you like it!

ESCotLoE: Glad you liked the note! And as for Beckett…well, he'll get his eventually. **_/grins/ _**And John and co are in for one wild ride.

Joescookiem: Well…this _is_ Sheppard! Glad you liked it! And plan? What plan? (J/k)

Conclusion: The note was a success, my cliffie worked, and this is fun to read! You are the sweetest reviewers EVER! Thank you so much, my morale has tripled! At least!

>

>

AN: Sorry I'm only now updating, I'm in America so this was Fourth of July weekend, and I didn't get the chance to. And OMG: Friday is going to be so insane! SciFi Channel is playing ALL of season 1 SGA, so guess what I'm gonna do! lol…need more tape.

ANYWAYS! Back to the topic at hand…I don't know if I've mentioned this, but this is AU **_BECAUSE_** it is written with the idea that Sora changed sides sometime during "The Storm." I think I touched on this earlier, but it's just a reminder. Other than that…well, this chapter lives up to it's title! It's fast-paced, relatively insane, and hopefully only slightly confusing! Hope you like it!

>

>

**Total Chaos**

>

>

John Sheppard walked down the corridor to the infirmary, hoping no one would notice him with the fatigues, hat, sunglasses, and bronze-tinted skin on his face.. He hadn't been sure about the skin, but Eliz—_Dr. Weir_—had had some sort of cream that did it. He couldn't remember the name…well, as long as it helped him sneak in he wasn't complaining.

The key, he knew, to doing this successfully was to act like you knew what you were doing, and belonged there. With that in mind, Sheppard walked right through the door to the main corridor—and right into another soldier who was entering through a different side corridor.

"Sorry!" he told her quickly, remembering to deepen his voice.

"No problem," the other soldier replied. He looked at her, and then more closely in surprise.

"Teyla?" he asked, startled, wondering why she had her hair tucked up, disguised.

"Major?" she asked him at the same time, wondering at his own attempt. They stared at each other in shock.

"What are you—have come—what?" they both asked each other, and then broke into grins.

"Ladies first," Sheppard told her.

"No, no, I insist…" Teyla replied. There was a moment of silence.

"How about we both continue whatever we were doing and never bring this up again?" Sheppard suggested.

"Excellent idea," Teyla nodded. They waited a moment for the other to leave, and then both tried to leave at the same time. They stopped, laughing, and then Sheppard motioned for Teyla to go ahead. She walked through the infirmary door, and Sheppard followed, frowning. This was getting stranger by the moment. When he walked in, he stared in surprise.

"Ford?" he asked, forgetting to change his voice. Ford looked at him in surprise and Sheppard frowned, Teyla, annoyed, elbowed him. Beckett looked up.

"May I help you?" he asked.

"Yeah…I've got a deep cut…wondered if you could put some anesthetic on it so it doesn't get infected." Sheppard improvised. Beckett nodded and walked into the back room.

"Let's go!" Sheppard told McKay. McKay frowned.

"Who—Sheppard? What's that goo on your face?"

"McKay! Concentrate!"

"Oh…yeah…what about Barker?" McKay asked, thinking of the guard now outside.

"He's off searching for me," Sheppard grinned, coming up behind McKay's bed and rolling it out from the wall. "What are you doing here, anyway?" he asked Teyla.

"I'm rescuing Ford," she told him.

"Ah…"

"Quite the coincidence, huh?" Ford grinned.

"Together then?" Sheppard asked Teyla. She nodded. "All rightie…" Ford slid up into a sitting position, and McKay quickly jumped onto the end of Ford's bed. Sheppard snapped the safety rails on the side of the bed up as Teyla took the safety break off and sat on the very end. Sheppard grabbed the rails on the other end, next to McKay, grinning like a boy with a new train set.

"Let's blow this place!" Sheppard yelled, and pushing the bed, ran out of the door just as Beckett returned.

"Where are we going?" McKay yelled.

"Sora said she'd let you hide out in her room," Sheppard yelled back with a knowing smile. McKay blushed.

"Oh…" McKay stuttered. Sheppard grinned and then looked for Dr. Weir.

"Liz!" he yelled, abandoning any pretence with her name. She stuck her head out of the door they were passing. "Stopping!" Sheppard called belatedly, as the occupants of the hospital bed were thrown forward.

"What's going on?" Weir asked, running over to the fugitives.

"We picked up two others—got a place they can hide?" Sheppard asked, looking nervously behind him.

"I—uh…" She thought desperately.

"Here—," Sheppard grabbed her by the waist and set her on the bed, forcing McKay to scoot down and Teyla to sit in Ford's lap. Needless to say, neither minded. "Think on the go. We've got people following us, and we can drop McKay off first.

And they were off again, nearly running several people down and startling others, as five of the most important—probably _the_ most important people were behaving like high schoolers. As they neared their destination, Sheppard yelled for Sora to come out.

"Sora!"

"Yes?" she asked, opening the door.

"McKay is here for—damn!" Beckett and Barker had just appeared down the hall. "We gotta go!" Sheppard yelled.

"I'll come with, we can think on the way of an alternate place!" She climbed over the rails into McKay's lap. McKay seemed oddly pleased with this. Sheppard tried to push, but their combined weight made it rather hard to get going.

"You all need to go on a diet…" Sheppard grumbled, gasping for breath.

"Use the motor," McKay suggested.

"There's a motor?" Sheppard asked, outraged.

"Right under the bed."

"Not on this side!" Sheppard yelled, desperate.

"Got it!" Ford called from his side. Suddenly the bed shot away. Sheppard jumped on the bed as Weir moved to the side, and then pulled her into his lap. They didn't mind seem to mind this arrangement either.

"Wait…" McKay frowned, suddenly nervous. "Who's steering this thing?"

"They looked at each other for a long moment, and then tightened their hold on the bed.

"Tip it over!" Teyla ordered, leaning with her rather inconsiderable weight to the left.

"Jump!" Ford suggested, unable to move with Teyla on his lap. In fact, they were all too tangled to jump, and the bed was going too fast to tip over.

"Where are we going?" Sheppard asked Ford, worry tinting even his voice. Ford looked ahead and then swore softly to himself.

"We're headed straight to the edge!" Ford called back, turning to face Sheppard. "There's no rail—we're going to fall in the ocean!"

"Oh, this is _SO_ not good," Sheppard thought out-loud. The three couples tightened their holds on their respective others.

"Man overboard!" they shouted as one, as the hospital bed shot over the side and fell towards the ocean.


	9. The Long Way Down

AN: Lessee...This still doesn't explain why they're acting odd, it does wrap up one cliff-hanger, but then it leaves another. Please R&R! And thank you for all the reviews I've already gotten!

>

>>

The Long Way Down

>

The tower next to them was a blur as they fell, the wind screaming at their incredible speed. They fell half the length of the tower in the first thirty seconds—the tower that was around 4000 feet above the water. It was akin to falling off a skyscraper.

**3000 Feet to Go**

"Help! Help help help help help—"

"Holy crap!"

"Mother fu—"

"Mother of God!"

**2000 Feet to Go**

Sheppard jerked as something snapped into place in his mind. "Concentrate and grab hands!" he yelled.

**1000 Feet to Go**

Something touched their minds, and they shivered at the touch.

**800 Feet to Go**

It tickled slightly.

**600 Feet to Go**

Their connected hands began to glow.

**400 Feet to Go**

Their hands grew brighter, and their bodies were covered in pins and needles.

**100 Feet to Go**

Sheppard began to shake from the energy he was trying to control. A little stream of blood slipped from his nose, and Weir yelled "John!"

**50 Feet to Go**

John squeezed McKay and Weir's hands in a crushing grip and closed his eyes tightly. His whole body was glowing and little cuts were appearing on his body where the energy was literally splitting the skin apart.

**30 Feet to Go**

John's eyes snapped open and he screamed something in Ancient.

**5 Feet to Go**

The bed stopped abruptly, jolting them and bouncing slightly, but comparable to a 5 foot fall, not the 4000 feet they had just fallen.

**5 Feet to Go**

The bed hung suspended over the water on a cushion of air before dropping them softly.

**Water Level**

They kicked off the bed, still holding hands. They broke the surface of the water, and tried to separate their hands, still oddly glowing. They wouldn't come apart, and McKay, looking at John to his left, was shocked.

John's eyes were wild as the little cuts on his body grew, and then he screamed as blue light poured from his eyes and mouth as if a Goa'uld painstick was pressed against him, energy still pulsing through his body and trying to find an outlet.

"Get us off him!" McKay yelled, looking frantically at Ford and Sora and Teyla, who weren't directly connected to Sheppard. Pulling with desperate strength and the help of the others, Teyla and Sora ripped their hands apart. As soon as they were loose, the glowing faded, and Major John Sheppard collapsed unconscious into the water.


	10. Treading Water and Waiting

AN: Very small chapter, I know. But I've got the next chapter hand written, and it's not only longer, it's much more interesting. This is kind of a filler chapter.

…**Treading Water and Waiting…**

...X...

Sheppard collapsed unconscious into the ocean.

With a strangled gasp, Weir clutched his arm, yelling for the others to keep his head above water.

"Is he breathing?" McKay asked desperately, treading water as well as he could.

"Yes, but his pulse is unsteady," Teyla replied softly, helping Ford and Weir keep Sheppard steady.

"What the hell happened?" Ford snapped, laying on his back with Sheppard across his chest.

"I don't—I—," McKay stuttered, starting to go into shock.

"Rodney!" Weir yelled, wishing desperately that Sheppard was awake—Sheppard who always knew how to respond and keep McKay focused.

"I…he must have triggered some sort of Atlantian safety feature and…ah…well, I don't think it was made to handle more than one person…"

"Will he be all right?" Sora asked sharply.

"How the hell should I know?" McKay snapped, and Weir traded a small smile with Teyla—at least _he_ was going to be okay.

"When do you think we can expect help?" Teyla asked Weir softly, so as not to worry the others. Weir, who had already been thinking of this, bit her lip.

"Beckett most likely thinks we're dead, if not seriously injured, but he'll keep calm. He'll grab one of our young pilots-in-training, and take a jumper out here. But I don't think even he can get out here under ten minutes, although I'm sure he's breaking records even as we speak." Teyla nodded, no longer needing to have "breaking records" explained, which pleased her, although she was currently terrified for her friends.

Sora and Ford were warriors—they'd stay calm. Dr. Weir had stayed collected—a seeming mircacle considering the shape Major Sheppard was in. Dr. McKay, however, was perilously close to losing whatever cool he could be accused of possessing. It was just lucky for all of concerned he knew how to swim.

She glanced at her unconscious friend who had—miraculously, it seemed, or even instinctively—saved their lives. But at what cost?

They stayed above the icy water, feeling the cold seep deep into their bones.

McKay sneezed.


	11. Not Quite There

AN: Thank you for the reviews! Um...this chapter...doesn't really anwers any of the "great mysteries" of this story yet...wow, I don't think I'm ever going to get to the point, lol. Um...yeah. Hopefully the chapter after next...yeah, that should do it. The actually story still has quite a bit to go, though, and that's if I don't start going off on tangents, which is a penchant I've discovered I have in this story. Anyway, I digress...suffice to say that I hope you enjoy it! Please R&R!

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_**Not Quite There**_

>

Dr. Beckett flat-out ran to the Puddle Jumper Bay, startling personnel, who were not used to seeing their friendly, funny, rather laid-back doctor in such a hurry. Already he had radioed for two security guards to meet him there, as well as one of the pilots.

He smashed through the doors to the bay, breathing heavily and barely stopping before running into the guards. The pilot had yet to make an appearance.

"Bates!" he yelled into his radio, furious, "Where the _hell_ is my pilot?" Bates, taken aback, paused.

"Doctor Beckett, most of the pilots are off-world, and you yourself grounded Stockholm."

"Damn…right. Bloody ear infection. But he can still fly to—"

"He's currently on the mainland, doctor."

"Damn!" he yelled, again startling Bates. Scowl prominent on his lips, he strode into the nearest Puddle Jumper, and then turned back to the unlucky security guards. "In here, now!" he snapped in his best doctor voice, and they hopped to it.

Beckett lifted unsteady hands over the controls, a torrent of Scottish profanity sliding fluidly through his mind, until he focused on the image of his friends falling off the edge. "Damn," he repeated aloud.

"Doctor? Dr. Beckett? Carson, answer me! Doctor, what are you doing? Doctor—" Bates was yelling through the radio, and Beckett grabbed it and threw it to the floor, focusing on the Jumper controls.

"God help us all," he whispered, and slowly lifted the Jumper into the air.

>

>

>

"John!" McKay called to his unconscious friend, watching the blood slowly dilute the surrounding water. The amount of blood he was losing was beginning to frighten them all. "John, man, wake up…"

"Sir—" Ford began.

"Major John Sheppard!" Weir snapped, her authoritative voice contrasting sharply with her pale face and wide eyes. "The wraith are attacking the city, and you'd damn well get your butt into one of those Jumpers and—"

"Is my team okay?" he whispered, eyes struggling open. Weir sagged slightly in the water in relief, and the others smiled broadly.

"We are well," Teyla nodded, helping Weir up and putting an arm around her back to comfort and steady her. Elizabeth nodded in gratitude.

"Where am I?" Sheppard asked, voice still soft.

"You're in the ocean, Sir," Ford replied, and then frowned as he realized that would most likely only further his confusion.

"S'cold…" was Sheppard's only response, however.

"We're going to get you out as soon as we can, John," Elizabeth assured him. He blinked.

"Where are we?" he slurred, his voice even quieter. The others exchanged a glance.

"John, we're in—"

"It hurts," he moaned softly, eyes fluttering.

"We're going to—"

"Don't…don't hurt me anymore, God, don't…" he whimpered almost inaudibly, effectively silencing them all.

"John?" McKay asked softly.

"I won't…I can't tell you," he told them, his voice tortured.

"John…you're on Atlantis, it's okay…" McKay managed around the lump is his throat. Sheppard, squirming slightly in pain, let his unseeing eyes fall shut. McKay raised his own eyes to Weir's, almost afraid of what he'd see.

"Elizabeth…"

"We need to get him to Carson," she told them, cutting off McKay.

"Um…Doctor Weir?" Sora asked softly, eyes still wide with subdued shock. "What was he talking about?" Weir shut her eyes.

"Back on earth, John—Major Sheppard—was in our military. I know he ran some dangerous missions, and that he was missing for several weeks, but you'd have to ask him for the details."

"Missing?"

"As a member of the American military in the hands of some of the most anti-American governments that exist…" Weir paused for a moment; not even realizing her hands had tightened into fists. "I assume he was…interrogated…the medical reports alone are classified…" She cleared her throat, but before she could continue Sheppard's eyes snapped open and he began coughing.

"Did it…did it work?" he asked them. They paused unsure if he meant the fall, or if he was still locked in his past.

"John?"

"Rodney, did it work? Did we stop the wraith in the crashed hive?" Sheppard asked, eyes dilating slightly. Rodney managed a half-smile.

"Yes, John. The wraith is dead."

"Gaul?" John asked, and McKay felt his heart contract.

"He's alive, John. We saved him."

"Why does it hurt so much?" he asked softer, sinking back into himself.

"You decided to take on the wraith with a knife," McKay smiled slightly. Weir lifted an eyebrow—_that_ had been left out of the report.

"S-stupid of me," Sheppard managed, lifting the side of his mouth in a parody of a smile.

"John…"

"Where are we?" he interrupted.

"We're in the ocean, John."

"How'd we get here?" Sheppard asked with a confused frown. McKay blew out a sigh of relief that his reasoning skills seemed to be returning.

"We fell," Weir told him with a smile.

"Liz? You're here too? Where are we?"

"Atlantis, John," Teyla answered, and his eyes widened in anger.

"Wraith?"

"No, Sir," Ford told him, a half-smile dancing on his lips. "Actually Sir, we did fall. Literally. But don't worry; Dr. Beckett should be here any minute."

"It hurtssss," Sheppard hissed, breathing in sharply, as if he just now felt the pain.

"John—"

"Are you all alright?"

"Yes, we're fine," Sora assured him.

"Rodney didn't faint?" he asked breathlessly.

"How dare you?" McKay replied, mock angry.

"S'lot of blood," he whispered, unfocused eyes taking in the red-diluted water. "Sure the hell better not be sharks here." Ford stiffened.

"Sir—" he began. Sheppard promptly collapsed.


	12. Nothing's Ever Easy

AN: Not much Sheppard in this one...for those worried by the characters, who probably seem to just be getting more OOC, I DO have a plan. ** /grins/ ** Please R&R!

**Nothing's Ever Easy**

.>.

* * *

.>. 

Ford's eyes darted back and forth across the surface of the ocean. If there were sharks, he'd scream like a little girl—and in front of Teyla, yet! In fact, the tension had grown considerably amongst their little group after Sheppard had muttered those terrifying words—or at least it had grown among those from Earth.

Sora, attempting to break the solemn atmosphere, at last asked, "What exactly are these 'sharks' the Major spoke of?" The silence stretched, until at last Weir took pity on her.

"They are salt-water animals that live on earth—"

"They're not animals," Ford interrupted.

"And some live in fresh-water," McKay interjected simultaneously.

"Yes. Well."

"They sound like fish," Teyla frowned.

"Oh, don't you wish!" McKay smiled hollowly. "No, sharks aren't like fish. Sharks eat people! Sharks have big sharp teeth, and big fins—"

"And are huge! And those rows of teeth—"

"And the Jaws music—"

"Come up from underneath—"

"Bite out of your leg—"

"Rodney! A grip on yourself, please! You too, Aiden!" Weir frowned, her voice overriding that of the two men who were working themselves up into a panic. There was another long silence.

"They sound most unpleasant," Sora frowned at last. The others silently agreed.

"Really, really sharp teeth…" McKay continued softly.

.>.

* * *

.>. 

"You, ah, have flown one of these before, haven't you?" one of the guards asked Beckett hesitantly as the Puddle Jumper slowly rose. The doctor didn't dare take his eyes from the screen in front of him, hands clutching the controls in a death grip.

"Don't be daft, lad, of course I have!" he barked, striving for confidence. To himself, he added, "Successfully, now, is another matter…"

.>.

* * *

.>. 

"Are you kidding me? What about that girl in the beginning of Jaws? Maybe panic would have helped her, huh Elizabeth?" McKay half-yelled at Weir. She opened her mouth to respond in like fashion.

"Can we _not_ talk about the sharks?" Ford yelled, voice edged with panic. Weir looked back at him, and then nodded slowly.

"Of course," she replied, and the group fell silent.

.>.

* * *

.>. 

Two hundred feet away, a drop of blood had drifted close enough to ensnare something's attention. The smell was tantalizing…and elusive.

.>.

* * *

.>. 

"I just don't understand…no one's thought about mapping the ocean's?" Ford snapped at last, trying desperately not to fidget. McKay—on whom the silence had been hardest—glared.

"In case you haven't noticed, we've been a tad busy!"

"The food situation _alone_ should have warranted—"

"At the time," Weir interrupted calmly, "It made far more sense to commit our full resources to fighting the Wraith, and trade for food."

"But to not even _scan_—"

"We scanned the damn ocean!" McKay yelled at Ford. "We're just not positive if there are _sharks_, okay? We didn't look at the sea life! Will you drop it?"

"We're going to get eaten and—"

"Aiden!" Teyla cut in, frowning. "Are these sharks worse than Wraith?"

"Taking into account our current situation, you mean?" Ford half-growled.

"Stop arguing!" Sora ordered, at last entering the conversation. "Sheppard is severely injured, we're floating in the ocean, and our radios won't work. But just because you feel helpless, and can't fix Sheppard, or fix the situation, doesn't mean you need to tear each other apart!"

There was an uneasy silence as her words sunk in, and then Weir looked at the others with a frown.

"What the hell is going on with us?"

.>.

* * *

.>. 

"Dr. Beckett, can you use that life-signs…thing to find them?" a guard asked hesitantly. Beckett frowned, knowing the guard had a name but unable to remember it. Suddenly the words "Frank Nemez" appeared on the screen in front of him. The guard gave a startled gasp, and Beckett was hard put to control his growing frustration.

"Bloody technology, such bloody improvements," he mocked in a high-pitched voice. "Not much bloody help now!"

.>.

* * *

.>. 

The currents shifted, and the smell of the blood began to fade away. Could it, it would have growled. The feeling was certainly there.

.>.

* * *

.>. 

Sheppard shifted uneasily in Ford's arms, and began mumbling things under his breath. However, he remained unnoticed by the others, who were either contemplating their impending death or puzzling out their suddenly irrational actions, until his eyes snapped open and he barked, in a breathless sort of manner, "Fuck off!" to an invisible enemy. And then he took a swing at McKay. Hell breaking loose isn't nearly as fun as it sounds.

.>.

* * *

.>. 

"That's them!" Beckett yelled exultantly, having at last brought up the life-signs indicator. The small circle of life signs at the base of the tower collapsed in on itself mere seconds after his delighted declaration.

.>.

* * *

.>. 

And the tides shifted again.

On the inside, it smiled.


	13. Descent and Disorder

"Get him _off_ of me!" McKay half-screamed, oblivious to the fact that Teyla, Ford, and Weir were attempting just that. Instead, he flailed, failing to hit Sheppard, but succeeding in knocking Ford upside the head. Who jerked back and yelled "Shark!" which brought the chaos to a new high.

"Major!" Weir snapped. "Sheppard!" she growled in consternation. "John," she half-whispered in consternation. He turned to her.

"We can't let them take him." Voice lower in desperation. "He won't survive."

"John—"

"Where is this shark?" Sora asked, voice betraying her nervousness, but just barely. Teyla pinned Ford with her eyes, forcing him to concentrate on reality. He shuddered.

"I thought…I felt…"

"Doctor Weir!" a voice screamed from above. She looked up to see the hovering Puddle Jumper.

"Thank God," she breathed.

"I don't believe in God," John whispered from beside her. "Or is it he doesn't believe in me? I don't remember…" voice breaking. "I don't remember…"

"Are you all right down there?"

* * *

"Ask if they're all right, you daft idiot!" Beckett barked. Nemez nodded.

"Yes, sir." They peered over the edge of the Puddle Jumper once Beckett had opened the back.

"Guess we'll do without the seatbelts," Beckett breathed, before quickly thinking of something else. All he needed was seatbelts appearing in front of him.

"I think they're okay, Doctor!" Nemez turned back, shock and surprise clearly on his face. If Beckett had managed to look at him.

"Now ask them how the bloody hell they managed that!" Beckett growled, gruff in his overwhelming relief.

"How the bloody hell did you manage it?" Nemez yelled down at the half-drowned group. Beckett's eyebrows furrowed.

* * *

"Hold on, John. We're getting out of here."

"There's no escape but death. And I'm not letting them kill me…I promised…"

"Let's just go before the shark…" Ford paused as Teyla frowned at him. "Before we drown."

It swam closer, desperate in its all-consuming hunger. Ready to feed. Not long, now.

The Puddle Jumper descended. In a fashion. And frantic McKay calmed enough to decide he really ought to do as John had asked and leave him along sometimes and try to get Beckett acclimated to Ancient technology. At the time he'd thought it was merely a way of getting out of helping him. In retrospect he wasn't so sure it was much else, but still…in situations such as these one had to think…

* * *

"Almost there, sir!" Nemez yelled. A cynical part of Beckett that was usually kept buried emerged long enough to ponder whether Nemez said it in celebration or warning. That's what lack of self-confidence did to someone…

* * *

"Doctor Weir," Teyla called, getting the other's attention. "Is he well? The jumper is almost here."

"He'll be fine," Weir nodded. Her voice was slightly curt, but tinged with enough worry that Teyla took no offense. Not that she would have anyway…

"There aren't _really_ sharks, are there?" Sora asked, sounding slightly upset. Of course she'd been watching the brave Ford practically unravel before her.

"We don't know!" McKay half-screamed at his almost-girlfriend, and a part—albeit, small—of Teyla realized, with a hidden smile, how exceptionally bad with women her friend really was.

* * *

The ship descended. Rapidly.

* * *

It swam. Rapidly.

* * *

The team unraveled. Rapidly.

* * *

"Doctor Beckett! The water!" a guard yelled in warning, before the ship hit the surface. It bounced slightly, but stayed afloat. They were about five feet away from the group, and little waves splashed them from the impact, but Nemez was too busy thanking God they hadn't landed on top of them. Not that he didn't trust Beckett…he just didn't trust him behind the wheel. Of course…Puddle Jumpers didn't have wheels…

"Help me get him over there!" Weir demanded, and with a nod Teyla grabbed Sheppard's other arm and they sway over to the Puddle Jumper hovering about an inch off the water. The two guards pulled him into the jumper and then swore when they saw his injuries. They made no direct comment, however, and proceeded to help Weir into the ship while Teyla returned to coax McKay. Sora already seemed to have that covered, however, and the two of them were being pulled into the ship when they heard a scream behind them, and turned in time to see Ford dragged down about a foot. They saw a struggle into the water, and Nemez and—shockingly—McKay had already dived back into the water when Ford surfaced once more, something clutched tightly in his hands.

"Ford?" Weir asked questioningly, but he shook his head, eyes wide but glistening with something surprisingly like laughter. As he was pulled back into the ship, they looked down at what he held.

"Is that—"

"You have _got_ to be kidding me…"

"What are the chances of—"

"I think I'll keep it to show the Major," Ford smiled softly. "After all, he did jinx me."

For there, in his hands, was a one-foot, non-animal, sometimes freshwater creature with fins and big teeth. Really big teeth. For something that size. An inch gash in Ford's leg bled, and Weir shook her head.

"Only you, Lieutenant…"

"Why, Doctor Weir, are you mocking my battle wounds? Not many people do so well in a shark attack, you know…" They grinned, relieved at the opportunity to lighten up the atmosphere somewhat.

"Right, let's go." Beckett frowned from the front, having let go of his death-grip on the controls long enough to take in Sheppard's condition.

Nemez winced.


	14. Escort

This is the last chapter I shall (hopefully) ever write with such a large cast…pure evilness! Anyway, so some of this is reiterated, but it's just another step along the way. God only knows how many more chapters this will be. Hope you're still enjoying this! Please R&R!

.A.B.C.

-Escort-

The jumper was 300 feet above the tumultuous ocean when Major John Sheppard seized—back arched in the air, heels digging to find purchase on the slick jumper floor, and a scream half-caught in his throat.

"Carson, get back here!" Elizabeth ordered, panic rising in her voice as she and Ford struggled to keep his shoulders down.

"I'm drivin' the bloody—Rodney get up here!"

"God, yes!" Nemez breathed in relief—

"You want what?" McKay gaped.

"Rodney, now!" Weir growled, and McKay hopped-to-it.

"Keep his shoulders down!" Beckett ordered Weir and Ford, and then begaon to check his patient over. "Bloody hell," he breathed, cutting open Sheppard's shirt to reveal even more of the cuts that appeared all over his bare skin. "Give me the med kit," he frowned, sparing a momentary glance at Teyla. "What in bloody blazes happened? And why the hell are you all still alive?"

"Rodney said something about triggering an Ancient safety protocol—"

"Looks right bloody _safe_," Beckett growled sarcastically.

"—But it was meant for only one person," Teyla finished softly. Beckett continued to work in silence for a long moment, before scanning the faces around him—seeing clearly the guilt he knew he'd find.

"What do you mean by 'triggered an Ancient protocol?'" he asked at last, keen on changing the subject until he could sit down and get the entire story.

"He yelled something in Ancient, Doc," Ford frowned, eyes still showing signs of shock and confusion. Beckett frowned as well.

"Perhaps I missed something, but just when did the Major learn to speak Ancient? And when did we discover safety features in case of falling off bloody _towers?_"

"Lovely sarcasm, Beckett," Rodney snapped, "But we've been under your nose for the last week or so. Obviously he couldn't have done either. And no, I can't explain his sudden display of superpowers." Voice ironic, now, "Maybe you ought to watch Star Trek and see if anything similar happened to Kirk."

"Rodney, be quiet," Sora ordered, arching an eyebrow in challenge when he swiveled around to stare at her. "Will he be all right, Doctor?" she asked, ignoring McKay, who seemed to have forgotten he was driving.

"He's lost a lot of blood, but I'm most worried about his temperature—he's got an extremely high fever. Elizabeth, can you call for a med team to meet us? I…ah…lost my radio somewhere." She nodded, and immediately began to do so.

"What the—" McKay sqeaked in surprise, "Elizabeth, is there a reason two Puddle Jumpers are coming at us?"

"Doctor Beckett, I need you to immediately return to Atlantis—the two jumpers will escort you back," Bates ordered, annoyance evident, from the jumper radio.

"Doc?" Ford asked, turning a surprised stare on Beckett, who was scowling down at Sheppard and shaking his head.

"Now they find bloody pilots," he growled.

"Carson…" Teyla prompted softly. He looked up and saw everyone but McKay staring at him in confusion.

"Ah. Yes. I may have borrowed the jumper without Bates…permission. Persay." They stared at him, flabbergasted. "There wasn't time!"

Sora looked down at the unconscious Sheppard, the miniature-shark wrapped in Ford's jacket, and at their own ocean-drenched selves. Somewhere under the blue surface below, an infirmary bed was sinking to the depths, and Carson had admitted half-stealing a jumper. Somewhere, someone had a very twisted sense of humor. Unable to help herself, she felt her lips twitch. She glanced at the others and saw their expressions mirror hers.

Beckett rolled his eyes.


	15. It's Alive!

AN: This chapter is for AKAArzosah, because frankly it was a good idea. ;)

Yes, it is rather short, but I wanted to add this and finish the Bates thing before heading them back to the infirmary….So, yeah. Please R&R!

..A..

…**It's Alive!...**

The jumper lowered through the hole in the ceiling, and as soon as it landed the back opened and two nurses rushed forward to help Beckett and Ford carry the major to a stretcher.

"Carson—" McKay began, an obvious question on his lips, but Beckett shook it off.

"Report to the infirmary—all of ye'—and you are all summarily relieved from duty until I can give you one look-over and Kate can give you another!"

"Doctor—" Bates frowned, and Beckett whirled on him and then froze when he saw who it was.

"Sergeant Bates, yes, well I'll explain it all later on."

"Doctor, you _stole_ a Puddle Jumper! And Dr. Weir and Dr. McKay—they're all wet! And Major Sheppard…_what happened?_"

"That's a very good question, lad, an' I'll sit an' have a wee chat with ye' but first I need t' help the major."

"Doctor—"

"Let him do his job," Weir ordered, the frown on her face making him momentarily forget she wasn't in charge for the moment. Bates nodded with a small sigh and stood back as they dripped past. Ford was halfway to the door when with a frown he darted back to the Jumper and then gave a shout of surprise.

"Aiden?" Teyla asked, voice worried, turning around to face him as he flung his jacket away from him and out of the Jumper.

"It's _ALIVE!"_ he yelled, jumping on top of his jacket and wrestling around on the ground with it. The guards stood watching him with a mixture of shock and confusion.

"Doctor? Is he all right?" one of the nurses asked Beckett.

"Is he hallucinating?" a guard added hesitantly.

"Ford!" Beckett bellowed, obviously irritated at the young Lieutenant's antics.

"Gimme a sec, Doc!" he panted, still wrestling.

"I need to get John to the infirmary, so _on your feet, son!"_ With a last desperate pounce Ford pinned the jacket and stood up, it still fighting him.

"Am _I_ hallucinating?" the guard asked softly, and slightly fearfully. Ford looked around and realized everyone was staring at him.

"What?" he asked. "Shark," he added nonchalantly with a shrug and caught up with the others. "Hey, Dr. Weir, do we have an aquarium?"

Teyla stared at him in shock at his complete change of attitude. Ford looked over and noticed her wide-eyed expression. "Have to let Sheppard see it," he grinned.

Teyla shook her head.


	16. Ford to the Rescue!

I quite enjoyed writing the beginning of this chapter. : ) Hope you like it!

...16...

**...Ford to the Rescue!..**

Tom ran a hand through his short brown hair and growled softly, deep in his throat. He was having a hard time keeping his patients in their beds, and damned if Barker was helping! Somehow "scowling threateningly" hadn't been what he'd pictured when Beckett had told him Barker would help keep them in the infirmary while the Scot was in surgery with Sheppard.

Not to say that they were heading for the hills or rushing the doors, but Dr. Weir kept standing up pacing, hands twisting the blanket wrapped around her shoulders, the electric blanket falling to the floor once more. He'd immediately try to coax her back into sitting under her small mountain of blankets, but by that time Teyla would have slipped out and put a comforting hand on her shoulder, and McKay, who had calmed down only moments before, would once more grow hysterical, prompting Sora and Ford to move to his side, and when Tom--hands full past overflowing--would throw a desperate plea of a glance to Barker, the blasted man would scowl threateningly at his patients! Bloody hell!

Tom paused for a beat, and then silently admitted he might be spending a tad too much time with Beckett. Although if Barker at least _spoke_ it would be something, but as yet he'd subsided on glares, growls, grunts, and rather violent jerks of his head. He was torn from these thoughts and other, more violent ones of murder and _where_ was _Laura_? --when Beckett walked in, wiping his forehead with a sleeve.

"Doctor Beckett?" Weir asked immediately, obviously (as if the pacing hadn't been sign enough) extremely worried about the health of her 2IC and--if Tom wasn't mistaken (and he rarely was on these matters, he'd watched enough waiting room pacing, and infirmary room reunions) a bit more than that. Although how _McKay_ ended up with a hot babe like _Sora_ he'd never know. He wasn't one to doubt his instincts, but really! McKay?

"He's stabilized for the moment, but he's in severe shape, and I can't bring his fever down…I thought that now would be a good time to hear what's happened, and if his fever could be the result of any of it." Beckett looked at the guilty faces of his friends and resisted the urge to smack them senseless--from what he'd heard they had done nothing wrong. "Elizabeth?"

"He…ah…I'm not entirely sure _what _happened, Carson. One moment we were falling several thousand feet and the next he told us to grab hands and _concentrate_…and then I…I felt _something_ and then our hands started to _glow_ and then _John_ started to glow and then those cuts started to appear and then he screamed something in ancient…"

"And Rodney, you believe he triggered some kind of Ancient safety protocol?" Beckett frowned, trying to piece together what had happened to his patient.

"Unless he developed super powers--which he couldn't, because _I'm_ superman, he's _Kirk_, and Kirk only has hot girls chasing him, getting shot at all the time, and near-death experiences he always escapes, not superpowers--then yes, he must have triggered something," McKay half-snapped, half-whispered. Yes, an amazing feat.

"But why do you think it was meant for only one--"

"Did you _see_ him? Do you think that's what the Ancients were _aiming_ for? No, he tried to use his gene to save us, and took what he could from us, but his body was meant for that and none of us have the gene as strong as he does so he tore his body apart trying to save us!"

"Rodney, calm--"

"I WILL NOT CALM DOWN! Did you SEE him? Of course you did, you were in _SURGERY_ with him! And you know _why_? Because he tried to get ME out of the infirmary! _ME!_"

"Rodney," Elizabeth cut in over him. "_It's _not _your fault_." Rodney closed his eyes in obvious distress and refused to acknowledge she'd spoken. Beckett sighed.

"This still doesn't explain his fever."

"Doc…" Ford sat up, looking at the floor for a minute before he met Beckett's eyes. "I've got a theory about that."

"You do?" Beckett asked, trying to hide his surprise at the Lt's admission.

"You see…Teyla and I've liked each other for a while, but we've never done anything about it cuz we're on the same team…and the major might fantasize about running out of the infirmary, but he'd never actually do it except to grab food or leave an hour or so early just to annoy you…and McKay definitely wouldn't try to get out, even if the major was helping, cuz it's…well, it's not something he'd do. And I've talked with Lt. Barker before, and he's never acted like that…And Dr. Weir, well, she's been acting kind of odd too, sir. And when we were in the ocean, I…ah…freaked out over sharks, and I'd never actually say that _out loud_ in real life."

Beckett frowned at the young man. "Are you saying you've all been affected by something? And before you fell into the water?"

"Well, I was talking to McKay and he told me how the major got hurt, and then Dr. Weir and Teyla visited him, and then Barker was put on guard, and then McKay got hurt, and then Sora visited him, and by then everyone was affected."

"You're saying John has been affected by something since the very _beginning?_ And why aren't you affected?"

"Oh, I am affected, Doc, but I was off world with SGA-5, gathering intel on the Genii…after I got hurt I came to the infirmary, and only half-an-hour or so later the major rescued--I mean, kidnapped?" Ford stuttered at Beckett's scowl, "me, and so I haven't been affected for nearly as long." Beckett nodded slowly.

"I'll have to do tests and see if you're right, but for now we'll need to quarantine everyone that came in contact with any of us, just in case…"

"Carson," Elizabeth frowned, "I don't think that's _possible_. John got sick over a week ago--by now everyone in the city must be sick to some degree!"

.16.

AN: DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

At last! The reason for their OOCness has been revealed! Luckily, it won't be solved for a bit, so I get to have some more fun! Plus, they'll have to deal w/ the consequences afterwards…So, hope y'all enjoyed this chapter!

And I enjoyed writing from Tom's perspective…I'll have to include him a bit more later on. : ) Please review!


	17. Beckett Blows Up

**...Beckett Blows Up... **

"Dr. Beckett--" Tom began, walking into Beckett's office.

"Tom, din't I tell you t' watch the bloody rascals?" Beckett frowned, standing up and dropping his pen back to the desk.

"But Dr. Beckett--"

"If the major could get away from Lieutenant Barker, how kin you expect him t' watch _all_ of 'em?"

"But Dr. Beckett--" Tom added, voice growing urgent. 

"No buts, lad! It'll be a hahd mission mission, ah know, but ye've got t' do it! Off with ye now, son, and godspeed."

"Dr. Beckett! Get a hold of yourself, man!" Tom half-yelled, grabbing a hold of his boss' shoulders. "Now, Sergeant Bates is here t' see you, an' you kin't…kin't…bloody hell! You _can't_ keep acting like this!"

"Ach, ye've got a tad bit a' Scottish in ye', son, like it or not!" 

"Doctor Beckett!" Tom roared, literally shaking the other man. "Snap out of it! Come on, you've always been the cool-headed one! You held it together when Dr. McKay and Major Sheppard were falling apart!" Beckett frowned in confusion.

"Lad--"

"No more bloody 'lad'!" Thomas half-screamed, swinging arm connecting solidly with the wall. "Laura's missing and everyone's acting weird and--" his face crumpled unexpectedly. "Mother of God, I think I broke my hand," he half-whimpered, nearly incoherent.

"Tom," Beckett replied--voice firm yet surprisingly gentle. "Let me take a look at it. And you made me realize--I was in direct contact with Sheppard for almost a week, and yet I wasn't really affected. Why not?"

"Hand, now please," Tom ground out, other hand tightening to a fist. Beckett nodded and slung a bracing arm on his shoulder, pulling him out to an examination room.

"Dr. Beckett! _Where_ have you been?" Bates growled as soon as they left the office.

"Broken hand!" Beckett barked, but Bates refused to back off. 

"Dr. Beckett, I _demand _to know what's going on! I am, after all, _in charge_ now, and you _will_ keep me appraised of the situation!" Dr. Beckett suppressed the urge to roll his eyes and instead tried to steer the injured Tom around Bates, but unfortunately he moved to intercept. "Did I not make myself _clear_, Doctor? I _will_ be kept _fully_ apprised or I'll…I'll…"

"He seems to be affected," Tom sighed. 

"Indeed," the Scotsman answered, equally depressed.

"Are you _listening_ to me?" Bates screamed, inches from Beckett's face. He didn't flinch.

"My ears are in perfect working order, _Sergeant._ Now, you will kindly remove yourself from this infirmary before I have you _sedated!_ And Dr. Weir passed her exam with flying colors!" Beckett bellowed, lying threw his teeth, "So you are _not_ in command and I_ have_ to do _nothing!_ And you, _Sergeant_, are confined to your quarters on grounds of temporary _insanity_ until such time as I release you! Do I make myself clear?"

Bates snarled wordlessly but backed up a step. "This isn't over, Doctor." 

"I bloody well think it is!" Beckett growled back. "Now get the _hell_ out of my infirmary!" Bates literally snarled but turned on his heel and exited the room. Beckett watched him, deflating slightly.

"I suppose I ought to call a guard or…something…but they might be affected and…" he sighed. Tom was looking at him, slightly impressed and slightly afraid at his sudden outburst. "Let's take care of that hand."

Tom nodded sadly.

.17.

AN: So I decided to go ahead and go w/ the evil Bates thing. And:

"Broken hand!" Beckett barked, but Bates refused to back off. This is the best thing I ever wrote, lol...

Please R&R!


	18. Lots of Arguing

**...Lots of Arguing…**

"Who was yelling?" Weir asked as soon as the two entered the room.

"And what happened to his arm?" Ford added, pointing at Tom's new cast.

"Bates came in and was arguing—'e seems to 'ave lost it somewhat. I confined 'im to his quarters but considerin' the fact that 'e seems affected I somehow doubt he'll obey."

"And Tom's hand?" Sora cut in frowning.

"Ah, well, I was a bit…out of it meself after checkin' on Sheppard an' he was tryin' t' get my attention and knocked his hand int' the wall."

"Wait, you were alone and…you became more affected?" McKay asked, leaning forward, intrigued.

"Aye, I…well, I was going' on 'bout my Scottish 'eritage an' raving 'bout you lot escapin' 'n…well." McKay templed his fingers beneath his chin.

"Whatever this—this virus is, it seems to be affecting on our inhibitions," he said thoughtfully.

"Making us say or do things we might not normally do, leaving us open to suggestion and…" Teyla added.

"Sounds a bit like being drunk," Ford grinned. Weir clipped him upside the head and then froze, looking incredibly guilty.

"Liz…" McKay frowned, and Sora rolled her eyes.

"Well, this is perfect," she snapped. "We're hiding in the infirmary with a bunch of insane people and we can't keep our _own_ heads for even a few minutes!"

"Actually," McKay cut in, grinning, "My beautiful girl, I do think you've just raised an interesting point. _Why_ are we _not_ running around like crazed lunatics? Granted, the entire base isn't yet, but _why_ aren't _we_? Especially since we've had the most contact with Sheppard! Especially you, Liz," he smirked evilly. Her eyes narrowed, promising imminent death. "Or…ah…you Carson," he continued quickly.

"So…" Ford drawled, raising an eyebrow at McKay and leaning back in his chair.

"I think it affects people more the less they're in contact with other people!" McKay declared. The others looked at him confused. "Well, it makes sense. If you're acting on your inhibitions but are also open to suggestions, society dictates that in a group dynamic you are_suggested_ to the norm!"

"That could have been a grand denouement if you hadn't botched it up so badly," Weir smirked.

"_Elizabeth—_" McKay whined, but she cut him off.

"We need to figure a way to stop the spread or at the very least immobilize the city's population before things get out of hand. Imagine the chaos if everyone were to act without inhibitions! Oh, god, I can picture the report to Stargate Command, now—_Well, Sir, we were trying to find the cause but then I got distracted with snogging my second-in-command and our head scientist was playing hide the salami and—"_

"_Elizabeth!"_ Teyla cut in, sounding scandalized, while McKay was opening and shutting his mouth in a vague imitation of a fish. Ford was naturally laughing his head off.

"The city needs to be taken care of, yes, but right now _my_ main concern is finding what is affecting the Major. Besides, Liz, think optimistically: maybe we'll all be dead before we get in contact with the SGC again," Beckett frowned. Sora groaned dramatically, rolling her eyes for the whole affect. 

"Doc, must you be so negative?"

Weir turned towards her with a blink. "I thought you'd be used to it considering how close you've become to Doctor McKay."

"Now, _that's_ just a low blow!" McKay snapped.

"_Children!_" Tom yelled. They fell silent as one and looked over to where he was swaying, having just stood. "Lesh hurry thissh up! City needsh help!"

"Ah, yes...I gave Tom some rather strong meds as he was complaining quite strongly about the pain in his hand," Beckett explained, noting the curious stares.

"Carson…are you sure you should be giving medication out, giving your state?" Weir asked softly.

"Don't really have a choice in the matter, do I?" Beckett asked, sounding grim and tired and Ford clapped a hand solidly against his shoulder.

"Be positive! Be the little…the little shark that could!" he smiled, and then burst out laughing at his own joke. Teyla shook her head and then tugged him back down onto the bed next to her.

"Sit. Stay." She commanded wryly. He looked up at her with huge puppy dog eyes.

"As you wish, Princess Teyla." His smile threatened to break out. "Teyla. Leia."

"Beckett," McKay pleaded, but the Doctor shook his head, looking just as desperate. "Unless…"

"Unless?" six other voices echoed. Barker deigned to grunt questioningly.

"Sheppard is sick but he's the only one with any answers." He sighed, possibly for dramatic effect. "Hell or high water the Major is waking up!" 


	19. Going on a Bear Hunt

…**Going on a Bear Hunt…**

"Major?"

He blinked heavy eyelids. "Ngh?"

"Major Sheppard?"

He blinked again, watching the dozens of Beckett's coalesce into one. _Infirmary. Again. Hell._ "Doch?"

"John!" McKay grinned, suddenly leaning in over his left side.

"Gah!" he grunted in surprise, but McKay was not deterred.

"John, we're going _on a bear hunt!_" McKay grinned, and Sheppard groaned, finding Beckett's eyes.

"Can I haf wha hees hafin'?" Without looking, Beckett gave McKay a good shove and Sheppard blinked, alarmed.

"How're you feeling?" Beckett asked as a groaning McKay staggered back to his feet. He helped Sheppard drink some water.

"'m…fine?" Sheppard replied, keeping his eyes on Beckett.

"Yere burnin' up! Maybe we should dunk 'im in t' ocean?" Beckett asked McKay, holding his hand in front of his mouth so Sheppard couldn't see him talk. Although he could hear him. The world rolled slightly and Sheppard stifled a groan as McKay leaned over again.

"We're not scared!" McKay declared, grinning. Beckett shoved him aside.

"Doc, you 'kay?" Sheppard whispered, but Beckett was too busy shoving a thermometer in his ear to answer.

"We're going on a bear hunt!" McKay yelled, and draped a sheet around his shoulders like a cloak. Sheppard tapped Beckett before he could kill McKay.

"Just how good _is_ the medicine I'm on?" he whispered anxiously. Beckett grinned and leaned in close. Far, far too close.

"Not _that_ good," he grinned, and then frowned, furious. "Ye're not tryin' t' escape again, are ye? Ye know the rules, lad!"

"Doctor Beckett," Sheppard growled, trying for some control of the situation. "Get me Doctor Weir."

Beckett blinked and then blinked again. "John," he said carefully. "Ye're not awake."

"Oh thank God," Sheppard whispered, watching McKay trip over his sheet.

"No…wait…" Beckett frowned. Then he smiled, pleased with himself. "Wait, Tom broke his hand! I put a cast on it and then we decided to wake you up!"

"Get Elizabeth," Sheppard ground out, pretending the little flashes of pain flickering across his skin weren't there.

"John!" McKay yelled, ducking under Beckett's slap as the doctor walked away. "John, we're going on a bear hunt!"

"Rodney," Sheppard whispered, "So help me, if you don't stop—"

"It's the mummy!" Ford screeched, voice high-pitched and cracking as he took in his CO's bandaged state. He turned to run but ran straight into Weir. She blinked.

"No more SciFi movies for you, Lieutenant. Ever."

"John, are you feeling better?" Teyla asked, entering behind the others.

Sheppard waited but they didn't start singing or dancing so he guessed it was safe enough.

"They've gone insane," he managed, waving a hand at McKay and Beckett.

"No, we're _going_ on a _bear_ hunt!" McKay corrected. Tom sighed, reentering. "We did notice that the less people around the crazier people get."

"That's why we sent Rodney in," Sora groaned, watching the sheet-wearing man petulantly cross his arms.

"What's going on?" Sheppard frowned. Tom came close and began checking him over as Teyla and Ford tried to calm Beckett and McKay and Elizabeth brought him up to speed.

"So if it started with me…" Sheppard frowned, watching McKay struggle against Ford for his sheet-cloak.

"We need to figure out _what_ started it and what, exactly, it is," she nodded.

Beckett cleared his throat. "Sorry. You've been dunked in the ocean enough, I didn't mean that." Sheppard blinked. McKay shrugged the others away and stepped up next to Sheppard.

"_John_, we're going on a _bear_ hunt," he hissed impatiently, nodding towards the main hall.

Sheppard blinked and then blinked again. …g_oing on a bear hunt…_

"Oh…" he said, finally understanding. "Why didn't you say so in the first place?"


	20. Coordinated Dispersal, Cause TBA

AN: This chapter is a bit short, I know, but I wanted to separate them before continuing on. And haven't I been a good girl with my updating lately? lol

X

…**Coordinated Dispersal, Cause TBA…**

Several faces peered around the edge of the door, examining the hallway for any signs of life or other insanity. It seemed clear enough for the moment, so the heads withdrew to confer.

"So everyone understands the plan, right?" Weir demanded, eying everyone in turn. They nodded slowly.

"Right, Tom and Aiden, you leave first. Stay out of the main hallways if you can, and keep your radios on at all times. Do _not_ separate, and get back here as fast as you can. Strength in numbers." They nodded.

"Will do, Doctor Weir," Tom added, trying for brisk but still slurring slightly from the medication. Beckett pressed a still wrapped syringe in his hand.

"Tranquilize her if you need to, Tom. No heroics," he stated, completely serious.

"Aye," Tom nodded, and then froze, a look of horror flashing across his face as he realized what he'd just said.

Ford stepped close to Teyla, clutching her hand in his. "Stay safe," he whispered, and then they were gone.

The remaining group looked at each other.

"I still don't like this," Sheppard mumbled. Sora snorted.

"Sheppard, you chauvinistic moron, you can't even walk! Don't you dare say we need a man to look after us!"

Sheppard blinked. "I'm a walking mummy, and you're sending me off with _Rodney_ and _Carson_ and you think I'm worried about you girls? Are you serious? Try to be a little more subtle in your attempts to off me!"

"Grrr…bear hunt…need…stop saying…going on a bear hunt!" McKay growled, furious that he was still stuck on the speech loop. Teyla and Weir laughed guiltily, but stopped when McKay literally bared his teeth at them.

"You sure you're up for this, John?" Weir asked, touching his arm softly, and he nodded sharply.

"I'm fine, Liz," he reiterated.

"Meet you back here in a bit?" Sora asked softly.

"Bear hunt," McKay answered agreeably.

"All right," Teyla sighed. "We take the left, you take the right."

"Ladies, gentlemen…stay safe 'n be swift," Beckett smiled. With a brush of hands the two groups departed.

"Hold the infirmary to the death!" Beckett yelled behind him.

Inside, still leaning against the wall, Barker grunted in mild assent.


	21. Operation Capture Laura

**…Operation Capture Laura…**

…X…

Ford and Tom crept (or tried to, Tom was still a bit too drugged to creep all that effectively) down the hallway, stopping at every intersection to check things out. Ford kept whispering things about silver bullets and decapitation that was a bit worrying, but then again, with Tom's current disposition everything was a bit worrying, so he tried not to think about it too much.

They didn't see many people, and the people they did see seemed to be in varying degrees of…well. Two rather respected scientists were making out in the hallway like it was the night of the senior prom. Ford was just glad it wasn't Kavanaugh, as he wasn't sure his stomach could've handled that.

Tom was holding the tranquilizer with perhaps a bit more force than necessary, and if he was waving it around a little like it was the hilt of a sword…or perhaps a Scottish claymore…well. There wasn't really anyone around to see him, right? They went up the stairs, Ford expecting something to grab his ankle and pull him down at every step, but they arrived up at the top surprisingly intact.

"Her room is on the right," Tom whispered, and Ford nodded, peering around the edge of the wall to take in the empty hallway.

"How do you want to do this?" he asked Tom, and Tom tilted his head a little and considered. So what if he wasn't _precisely_ a soldier? He'd seen enough war movies.

"I think it would be best to make a direct frontal assault," he advised, and Ford nodded in a considering manner.

"It's been a pleasure working with you," he told the other man, despite the fact that he still didn't entirely know him all that well.

"Likewise," Tom assured him. It was obvious that they were kindred spirits. "On three?" Ford nodded grimly, and on three they both rushed the hallway, shouting at the top of their lungs their separate war cries (Tom's, unsurprisingly, was "Scotlaaaaaaaaaand!" while Ford, oddly enough, appeared to be screaming "Godzillaaaaaaaaa!"). They charged the hallway, two brave young men against an army of…well. Several dust motes died valiantly on that field of battle.

"Laura!" Tom yelled, banging on her door. "We've come to rescue you!"

"Let down your hair!" Ford yelled, somewhat incoherently, and Tom glanced at him and then settled for pretending he no longer existed.

"Laura!" he yelled again. "Please be alive!"

She yanked open the door, one eyebrow arched firmly up, irritation spilling from every inch of her body.

"If you don't knock it off my dad is going to _kill_ you," she spat. Tom winced.

"I've come to rescue you," he whispered, and her face immediately brightened.

"Where are we going?" she asked, and Tom frowned, trying to think. He blinked.

"I don't remember…" he moaned softly.

"We've got to avoid the zombies," Ford offered, glancing over his shoulder.

"I know!" Tom yelled, delighted. "Beckett'll know what to do!" He slung an arm around Laura's waist and grinned at her. "Come along, lass. It's time t' go."

"Aye," Ford smirked.


	22. Task Force: Atlantis Angels

**...Task Force: Atlantis Angels…**

…X…

Dr. Elizabeth Weir slid off her shoes and proceeded to tiptoe down the corridor. Teyla and Sora—both highly respected women of the Pegasus Galaxy—followed suit, holding their shoes in their hands and frequently glancing back over their shoulders to make sure they were not being followed. At the junction they paused to confer in whispers.

"Elizabeth, that is not fair. I 'called' Brad Pitt as soon as you showed me that picture of him! Besides, I am certain that given the choice of an exotic woman from a different planet and a—while very attractive—earth diplomat, he would choose me," Teyla argued. Elizabeth narrowed her eyes at the other woman.

"Pulling the other planet card is _completely_ cheating!" she frowned. Sora rolled her eyes.

"Ladies, can we _please_ get back on topic?" she asked. They both looked at her guiltily. "Thank you. Now, while Brad Pitt is all well and good…" she began, and they all took a moment to sigh in appreciation, "I must make my claim of Johnny Depp."

"I should never have shown you _Chocolat_," Elizabeth sighed. Sora just smirked, her eyes going a bit dreamy as she thought of the man in question. "Well you know what? I don't even care. Take Brad Pitt, take Johnny Depp. All I ask is that I have the one, true claim to George Clooney."

Immediately the other two protested, but Elizabeth would not be swayed. So it was decided: George Clooney had been irrevocably claimed by one Elizabeth Weir. They then took a further moment to appreciate those three gorgeous men, mentioning others that deserved recognition.

"Orlando Bloom," Teyla offered with a smile.

"Young Sean Connery," Elizabeth smirked.

"James Franco," Sora announced. They paused, considering.

"Why are we in the middle of the hallway?" Elizabeth asked suddenly, and the other two looked at her.

"Oh…_oh_. Shouldn't we be…_oh!_" Sora realized, wincing.

"We cannot let the men know of this," Teyla cut in grimly. They nodded and then once more started down the hallway.

"Let's take the back route to the control room," Elizabeth advised, and with a quick, mutual glance of affirmation they did so, stopping several times to avoid people. They were almost at the back stairs when one Kavanaugh swooped—yes, like a bat—out of the opposite hallway and descended on them, like a ponytailed, far less attractive version of Dracula himself. The women barely managed to conceal a scream of terror.

"Hello…_ladies_," he smirked, gliding up and towering over them.

"Is that your _aftershave?_" Sora winced, as the overwhelming smell hit her like a wall.

"I think I just threw up a little in my mouth," Elizabeth, leader of Atlantis, announced, disgust written clearly across her face.

"Whatcha up to?" he continued, oblivious of their comments and still trying (and failing, miserably) at being debonair.

"None of your business," Teyla reminded him with a scowl.

"It's not safe for three girls to be out on their own," Kavanaugh smirked, resting his hand somewhere on Elizabeth's body that he really, _really_ would have been wise to avoid. Elizabeth growled, low in her throat, and Kavanaugh leaned forward. "_Sexy_," he whispered.

The next moment he blinked up from the floor in a fair degree of pain, while Teyla and Sora looked at Elizabeth with no small amount of pride.

"You have been practicing!" Teyla smiled at her. Elizabeth just shrugged a bit, unable to completely hide her own delight. Below them Kavanaugh groaned.

"I am very impressed, Liz," Sora added, and then smirked. "So you actually were practicing in those private lessons with John?" she grinned, and Elizabeth looked at her.

"Most of the time," she admitted guiltily, and they all giggled.

"Need some help," Kavanaugh groaned as they stepped over him and continued up the stairs, still talking about boys like the proverbial high school girls. Once at the top they walked over to where the overhead speakers were set up. Elizabeth cleared her throat a couple of times, and then nodded to Teyla, who switched the machine on.

"Attention, all Atlantis personnel—this is Dr. Elizabeth Weir. There has been an outbreak of some sort, most likely a virus. Everyone needs to return to their quarters immediately—and please try to avoid all contact with other personnel, whether you believe yourself to be affected or not. I repeat, please return to your quarters immediately, and await further instructions. Thank you, Weir out."

Teyla turned off the speakers and then, with a look, they all joined arms and turned back to the doorway.

"Shall we?" Elizabeth asked, and the other two glanced at her.

"Let's," they grinned, and with a nod they started back, ready for anything and everything out there.


End file.
